Missing Love Ones/ Holiday season

I have lost two wonderful people during the holiday season. I lost my brother December 20, 2001 and the eights years later my father passed away December 22, 2009. Of course they are during the week of Christmas.  I try to be happy during this time for my kids, and I even try to get into the maddness of Black Friday to try to help me get in the holiday spirit. My dad was my rock I could go to him and he was always there for me no matter what. When I see that I need to shovel outside I remember my dad coming over, even when he wasnt feeling good, and helping my shovel and after we would have hot chocalate. So now when I am out there, I look for him to come but I know he won't, but I know he is there is spirit.
As for my brother he has been gone for a while and it stills hurts to know he wont be able to interact with his neice or nephew and they will never really know how great their uncle was. I am real good at putting a happy face on around people during the holidays or anytime I am around people. I just wish I could be happy, I can't remember when I was really happy, it has been too long if I can't remember. I love my kids and I am happy with them but if they werent around I probably wouldnt be happy like I am. I am tried of putting on a brave face, but if I dont people might see the real me and I don't want that. I am a bitch for a reason-that is how I protect myself from getting hurt. I realized when I show my emotions and let people get close to me, I end up getting hurt. I feel that only people you can trust is yourself, sometimes.
I don't know if I am not happy because where my life is right now-no job, or college degree or if I am not happy because my life is not what I expected. Life is a mystery. Miss you Dad & Jason- please help me see the light on being happy.

Trust

I watched CBS 2 last night and they were talking about why men cheat. They said it is up to 60% of men cheat and the reason is because their spouses make more money than them so men are 5 times more likely to cheat on their girlfriends/spouse. As for women cheating the reason they gave because they want something new, feel out of love with their spouses. But cheating on someone with someone that u think is the one that u should be spending the rest of your life with, and 3-6 months down the line the person they left there life for breaks up with you and you think to yourself did I just screw up my life for a someone that I thought was the one or was it worth it and no matter what I am happy with my decision. Men who cheat on their wives end up getting divorce or are forgiven, but if a women cheats they are bitches and sluts. The article for this also said that couples should set boundaries for each other for their friends of the opposite sex......Now I am sorry if you can't trust your significient other with the opposite sex as a friend then the relationship is not going to last. I think men and women should be friends with whom ever- opposite sex, different color, race....and if the person you are with can not trust you then there shouldn't be a relationship. TRUST it the key in the relationship and if you don't have that why be together. I know there are other factors that need to be considered in a relationship but Trust is the key and the most important part of any relationship- from marriage, friendship, and family.


I wrote this poem 10-19-96

Trust

It is hard to trust people
you love.
If you trust people, sometimes
you get hurt.
You have to pick the right
people to trust.
If you trust the wrong people,
your life might be all over.
Everyone will walk by and will
say something that is personal.
After you get hurt so many times,
you think you can't trust anyone,
but yourself.
Someday you will find someone
you will trust and it will go to the
grave with you that the trust was
there.

What If

Every since my dad past away in December of 2009 I keep wondering what this year would of been like if he was still around. Every time my kids say papa I wish they were talking about my dad and not my husbands father and step-dad. I don't think I have really dealt with my dad's passing because I feel that everyone is happy that he is gone and not causing me stress with him always sick and always in and out of the hospital. I know no one will ever say that to my face but if you can't tell someone the truth about something because you are worried about hurting there feelings aren't you still hurting there feelings by not telling someone the truth about anything. I just want to be happy again and enjoy my life and it seems like when I am actually getting there something comes and ruins it all: may it be a death, bad grade in school, husband not working, or even people just pissing you off, I know its life but honestly life sucks sometimes and you just want to hide from it and never come out.
 The famous question "What If"; what if I got my dream house would I actually be happy; what if I finally graduated from college would my friends and family actually respect me; what if people told the truth would that make things better; what if.......................

A Poem I wrote back in 1998

Wondering, What If

Life is weird sometimes
You often wonder what life
would be like if you weren't around
You sit and ponder what people
would be like.
I often think what life would
be like if I didn't meet the people I did.