I have lost two wonderful people during the holiday season. I lost my brother December 20, 2001 and the eights years later my father passed away December 22, 2009. Of course they are during the week of Christmas. I try to be happy during this time for my kids, and I even try to get into the maddness of Black Friday to try to help me get in the holiday spirit. My dad was my rock I could go to him and he was always there for me no matter what. When I see that I need to shovel outside I remember my dad coming over, even when he wasnt feeling good, and helping my shovel and after we would have hot chocalate. So now when I am out there, I look for him to come but I know he won't, but I know he is there is spirit.
As for my brother he has been gone for a while and it stills hurts to know he wont be able to interact with his neice or nephew and they will never really know how great their uncle was. I am real good at putting a happy face on around people during the holidays or anytime I am around people. I just wish I could be happy, I can't remember when I was really happy, it has been too long if I can't remember. I love my kids and I am happy with them but if they werent around I probably wouldnt be happy like I am. I am tried of putting on a brave face, but if I dont people might see the real me and I don't want that. I am a bitch for a reason-that is how I protect myself from getting hurt. I realized when I show my emotions and let people get close to me, I end up getting hurt. I feel that only people you can trust is yourself, sometimes.
I don't know if I am not happy because where my life is right now-no job, or college degree or if I am not happy because my life is not what I expected. Life is a mystery. Miss you Dad & Jason- please help me see the light on being happy.
